In another senseless act of premeditated violence, a gun walked into a convenience store on the south side of Chicago in the early hours of Thursday morning and opened fire on the store’s clerk and several customers, killing one and severely injuring three others. As of the time of this writing, the gun is showing no remorse. The gun’s motive remains unclear.
Authorities say the gun was most likely acting out frustration with society. Records show the gun was unemployed for the last 3 years, prompting what many believe to be the gun’s way of rebelling against its own boring and unfulfilled life.
The gun is described by friends as being highly intelligent, yet reclusive in nature. Often spending hours – sometimes days – in its carrying case, the gun would often disappear into its own little world and quietly contemplate its own suffering from societal abandonment and insensitivity.
The gun’s manufacturers saw signs of antisocial behavior, but never believed the gun was capable of such a brutal and senseless act. Telephone calls to the manufacturers requesting a more extensive interview have not been returned.
Sources say the gun attempted to end its own life before police arrived, but was unable to summon the flexibility and bravery to pull the trigger a final time. The gun is in a Chicago jail and is awaiting trial.
Please note: since guns do not kill people, PEOPLE DO, the preceding is entirely satirical.